Spanglish?

Our great adventure begins in three days. Am I ready? Hell, no!! I really should have been learning some Spanish these past 9 months. I keep telling myself, all I need to know how to say, is "Dos Margaritas, por favor! Andele, Andele!!!!" And the usual: Si, Tequila, Gracias, Corona, Mas Tequila, etc.

One thing we do want to do while we're in Cancun is go see some Mayan ruins. Tonight, I booked us on a tour to Chichen Itza:

Here's a description of what we get on the Premiere Tour (as opposed to the Standard or Economy Tour):

Tour Includes:

• Luxury Bus with A/C (A/C is good.....)
  
• Professional Bilingual Guide (Spanish/English) (Spanglish)
  
• Freeway (Really? Our own freeway, we get to name it? Cool. We'll suggest some appropriate names later after we check it out.)
  
• Continental Breakfast(Coffee, Juice, Bread) on the bus (Bread? ......oh, yum.)
  
• Refreshments, purified water, beer, wine and well drinks on the bus (This was the thing that sold the trip -- drinks provided ON the bus and all inclusive!)
  
• Newspapers(Miami Herald) Magazines(Spanish English) (Spanglish, again)
  
• Pillows, umbrellas, blankets. (Blankies? How strong IS that A/C? I thought the bus was luxury, why the pillow.....it's only a 2 hour trip)
  
• Visit to Colonial Valladolid (Read: Mandatory tourist trap layover)
  
• Entry to archeological park Ik-Kil (Oh, okay)
  
• Entry to Chichen Itza archeological zone (That's what we signed up for!)
  
• Buffet in private palapa with A/C in the restaurant at Park IK-KIL with open bar (More alcohol)
  
• Typical Dance show during meals (What if I want the atypical dance, and just who will be doing the dancing, hmmmm? Maybe we will after all that alcohol.)
  
• Insurance and Taxes

(um, what are we getting insured for, exactly?)

We'll see what we actually get for the tour. I have visions of riding in an open air bus with Mexican peasants who do not partake of deodorant or anti-perspirant, smoking heavily, carrying their livestock (chickens, goats, etc.) and a bazillion children as we bump along over hot, dusty unpaved roads. Hopefully I'll be pleasantly surprised. Either way, the bar will be open on and off the bus.

Dos Margaritas, por favor!! Andele!

Child Repellent

Someone told me that in the open air markets in Cancun (such as Mercado 28), there are hoardes of cute and adorable (debatable, I'm sure) small children that will swarm and put bracelets and stuff on you hoping to get money in return. Apparently they are not to be deterred and are quite persistent. Just how charming is that??

Not very! According to me, a self professed small-child-disliker. I don't like most normal small children, swarming ones in a public place who touch me are even worse. (Of course there are exceptions and some small children are fine but MOST small children I can easily do without. Just wanted to say that before you all start firing up your hate mail to me).

So I got to thinking......on my list of many things to pack (sunglasses, sunscreen, bathing suit, etc.) I have listed Insect Repellent. Wouldn't it be great if there were such a thing as Child Repellent? Imagine a small child running up and touching me and immediately falling to the ground, eyes rolled back in their head, flat on their back, legs twitching uncontrollably. Oh, and the repellent absolutely must render them silent, too, otherwise the cure could be worse that the disease. By the way, I told Karen about my new product idea, and she immediately ordered a case.

For the heck of it, I Googled "Child Repellent" and found that there already is a product on the market! Not exactly like I imagined (I can still invent something and make my millions), but still quite effective. Let me introduce you to the Mosquito MK4 Multi Age Unit:



Apparently, people under the age of about 20 can hear high frequency sound that those of us who are, um, just a little older, can't hear. This small device invented in the UK will emit an unpleasant sound up to 130 feet away that's sure to be an effective repellent for swarming children and troublesome teenagers.

It also has two frequency settings, one to disperse groups of under 20 years of age, OR set it to 8 KHz to disperse annoying people of ANY AGE from areas where loitering can be an issue.

Oh, Santa......

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